Surviving lockdown with your partner

We know these are difficult times. Online Couples Therapy can help.

It’s one thing to spend hour with your partner on weekends, evenings, and vacation. It’s quite another thing to negotiate shelter-in-place with someone you’re accustomed to not seeing during work hours. In addition to filling any or all the traditional relationship roles of lover, companion, and co-parent, your partner is suddenly your coworker, too! 

So, how to survive 24/7 exposure to your partner? The short answer is, the same way you’d survive it with anyone—by finding mutual respect, setting and keeping clear boundaries, negotiating fairly, anticipating and having compassion for moments of increased stress and irritability, developing playfulness, sticking to your clear communication strategies, and recognizing that this is temporary.

The deeper answer, when considering specifically that the sudden 24/7 exposure to another individual is the same person you are in an intimate relationship with, is that shelter-in-place has the potential to alter your relationship from this point forward. The question is, are you prepared to change it for the better?

Being cooped up together amplifies the existing tensions in a relationship. For example, if one partner is accustomed to “escaping” relationship tension or conflict by going out with friends or heading to the office, those coping strategies, whether or not they are the healthiest to begin with, are totally off the table. 

One approach I like to use with couples is to help them develop new eyes for seeing and appreciating each other as they already are. Even if there’s disagreement—it could be about how to shop during COVID-19, how to homeschool the kids, or who gets the nicer office to work in—there is something in the behavior that I believe can be appreciated.

If you are a “planner” who dons facemask, nitrile gloves, and a bottle of disinfectant wipes for every carefully organized trip, and your partner wants to run to the corner store in their flip-flops to pick up a pint of ice cream at 6:55 before you settle in for your 7:00 show, identify the underlying quality you find attractive or that sparks your curiosity. It could be their spontaneity, for example. Let them know in detail what you observe and why you appreciate it: “Wow, I see your desire for pleasure and I appreciate your ability to prioritize enjoyment.” 

This strategy is based on the Nurtured Heart Approach, typically used with “problem” children, but I have found it useful to keep people connected to the parts of their partner that initially drew them together. How many of you  read the quote about getting ice cream and thought something like: “Just don’t come near me until you wash your hands.” There will always be disagreements in couples about how to behave and what to prioritize. Instead of shutting down or being critical, try extending your perspective, avoiding a disagreement, and supporting your partner doing something they naturally are inclined to do. You might be surprised at how this simple act can deepen your relationship, and make being around each other more of a joy and less of a struggle.

Will Hector, LMFT, is a psychotherapist at the San Francisco Marriage & Couples Center. He is available for telehealth therapy sessions only.