Reactivating Your Relationship

Early in your relationship, chances are that you did things together that were really enjoyable. These may have been activities that you would have enjoyed doing with anybody or maybe they were things you did that were special because you did them together. However, as conflict grew and tension mounted, you may have stopped doing these fun activities, indeed maybe you have stopped or curtailed many activities together. The pleasant fun, close times that resulted from shared activities became fewer and farther between and you have lost some energy and enthusiasm for each other. Maybe it has even seemed like your relationship is withering away. The purpose of this blog is to help you start to reactivate and reinvigorate your relationship, doing more things and spend more time together, helping your relationship thrive again.

1) Increase Social and Family Time with Others

It is important to do things as a couple, and those with whom you are spending time also see you as a couple. It is healthy to have a part of your identity tied to your partner as part of you union together. You can go on a double date with your partner, visit family as a couple, hold a BBQ as a couples, or wine tasting as a couple. It is important to notice and enjoy that you are doing them together as a couple, to be mindful of the activity as a joint activity, or as an opportunity to be in the world together.

2) Engage in Recreational or Fun Activities Together

Doing fun things together is an essential part as identifying as a couple. It gives you time to let down your guard and rekindle the feeling of sharing life experiences together that are not just chores and have-to activities. Paradoxically, this will give you more energy as a couple. Start a list and keep adding ideas to it. For example: you can start a list of things that are inexpensive- hiking in Marin, free concerts in Stern Grove or Golden Gate Park, or window shopping in the Mission. You can also exercise, work out, or play a sport together. My personal favorite is going to yoga with my partner.

3) Share Intellect, Interests, and Ideas

Everyone has a interests, ideas about the world, and things we are knowledgeable about. Some people think about art, popular bands, philosophy, their jobs, or relationships while others may be concerned with global warning, the latest technology, or what’s the latest fashion. When we keep these things inside, our partners will lose touch with who we really are or what we think about or care about. So now it is time to open up again, to let your partner inside the world of our brains. Chances are you will enjoy each other’s journey. Practice telling your partner about your thoughts, and encourage your partner to share their thought. Simply listening and showing interest will go along way.

4) Enjoy Time Apart and Sharing Your Experiences

Activating yourself independently by engaging in separate interests can help you become closer. Having an energized and content partner, will improve your relationship by enriching each person’s understanding and appreciation of the other. And if you have a partner who has other friends, other activities, other things to do, you are more likely to engage in your own activities and interests. Support each other in these activities and don’t feel threatened, realize that having a wide range of activities and interests are healthy. And talk about what you do apart from eachother. Doing so builds trust and minimizes the chances that either of you will feel left out.

5) Doing Things for Each other without String Attached

In a relationship, it is important to provide clear expression of affection and to make caring and considerate gesture, without keeping score.  Small considerate and affectionate gestures build goodwill and reciprocity in your relationship. The idea is to something small and nice just because you want to, not because you will receive something nice in return. Thus there should be no strings attached, and not keep score. For example, you can give them a smile, give a foot rub,  make your partner a cup of coffee or tea in the morning. My personal favorite thing to do for my partner is make a nice dinner unexpectedly when they had a hard day at work. Of course, if you notice your partner doing something nice or considerate for you, be sure to take a moment to enjoy your partners efforts to be close to you.

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